'It's OK; it's normal': Ella Zirbes opens up about how anxiety suddenly impacted her season

SALT LAKE CITY — In an instant, Ella Zirbes' world came to a screeching halt mid routine.

The sophomore gymnast was halfway through her floor routine in a quad meet that was being broadcast on ABC when she suddenly stopped. There was no apparent injury that caused her to stop, but she looked as though she couldn't breathe before eventually collecting herself.

A week later at the Huntsman Center, Zirbes had to stop again mid routine on floor, despite performing well on every other event she was competing on that day.

Something was clearly impacting the young gymnast.

For a time, Zirbes tried to hide what had been something she'd dealt with before as an elite gymnast.

"I was very surprised, because it hadn't happened in such a long time," Zirbes told KSL.com. "I was also really embarrassed, just because you don't usually see that happen, and it was at a few of our big meets with a lot of people there. So, yeah, I was mostly just embarrassed and kind of just wanted to leave right away after that."

After dealing with what she described as "pretty bad anxiety," Zirbes felt she had overcome it "for the most part." In fact, her freshman season at Utah was anxiety free, even with the stresses that naturally come with being in a new environment.

And yet, that anxiety suddenly returned like a thief in the night, surprising her mid routine a year later.

"I had a really good preseason, and I think I put a lot of expectations on myself, which is why I have been dealing with the anxiety," Zirbes said. "It's not something I thought would happen this season; if anything, if it were to come out, I'm surprised it wasn't last season, just being like a freshman and all."

But that performance anxiety was back in full force.

Fortunately for Zirbes, Red Rocks head coach Carly Dockendorf recognized it early and quickly jumped to help her young gymnast. For as passionate and competitive as Dockendorf is, the health and wellbeing of her gymnasts has always been her No. 1 priority.

In fact, Dockendorf has been a strong proponent of her gymnasts not making the sport the only thing that defines them in life.

"She has helped so much," Zirbes said of Dockendorf. "She met with me right away after it happened, and we came up with like a plan of attack. She referred me to the sports psychologist, and then we just have weekly meetings — check-ins — to see how we're doing.

"She took me off of bars for a few meets just so I could rest mentally, just do vault, which I was totally OK with," she added. "She said it was my option when I wanted to go back on the floor. So everything has been at my pace, and she's just really been working with me, just telling me that I'm amazing, and all those positive affirmations. So she's really been a huge influence in me coming back to normal."

For Zirbes, though, talking about it with other people and opening up to the public has been a big help. Initially, it was easier, she thought, to keep it a secret from the rest of the world. It was an embarrassment, she thought, especially in such a public setting.

But after several people reached out to her to see if she was OK, she opened up and told one person before she eventually told others. The response she got was far more positive and supportive than what she had previously feared.

People cared more about her wellbeing than anything else.

"Realizing that it's not just me that's going through it, and other people are going through it, and I can be a positive influence for them almost," she said, speaking about why she suddenly opened up. "Just because I'm a D-I gymnast doesn't mean I also don't go through mental health struggles like that."

It's not like that performance anxiety suddenly goes away, she said, but Zirbes has found techniques to help her overcome it while still maintaining high expectations for herself. One such technique came from Dockendorf.

Right before Zirbes walks onto the floor now to compete, Dockendorf administers a sort of makeshift anatomy test — a favorite of Zirbes, who describes herself as a bit of "a nerd."

"She printed out, like, a few pieces of paper, and it was multiple choice questions of the heart and a point to the diagram (test)," Zirbes said. "And it distracted me. I mean, it works.

"Ashley (Glynn) was doing her floor routine, and Carly was like: What is this? It helped, because I'm a nerd."

On Friday, Dockendorf administered the test, and Zirbes got through the full floor routine for the first time in front of a raucous Huntsman Center crowd that featured dozens of former Red Rocks gymnasts in the school's celebration of 50 years as a program.

In an instant after the routine was finised, her teammates swarmed her as the Huntsman Center crowd erupted in celebration. Nothing needed to be said as everyone understood the importance of that completed floor routine. The score didn't matter in the slightest — even as a 9.875 — to all who witnessed the routine.

"It was the best feeling ever," Zirbes said. "It's the best feeling I've had this season. I just felt so much relief, and I was just so proud of myself, because I felt like that was my next step. I mean, I did floor at West Virginia, but there weren't that many people there, and it wasn't alumni night. But doing it in front of those 13,000 people and in front of all the alumni right there down on the floor, I thought if I can do it then, I can do it anywhere."

"We were all extremely proud of Ella today," Dockendorf said. "That was a huge step for her. ... I thought that showed a lot of courage to get out there. She's still working through a lot of things, but to take that step and go out and do her routine, even being a little bit uncomfortable, I thought that was really, really impressive for her."

It remains a work in progress for Zirbes, but she's embracing the support she's been given, while recognizing that her honesty and openness with anxiety could help others in their struggle, as well.

"I don't want it to be seen as a negative," Zirbes said. "I just want people to know that it's OK; it's normal. I'm working through it, but it's not the end of the world."

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