Estimated read time: 4-5 minutes
LOGAN — Friendships are vital to well-being, but when boundaries between friendship and romance blur, the result is often "wrecked relationships, heartache and regret."
That's according to David Schramm, a Utah State University Extension family life expert, who is warning people that what he calls unfaithful friendships — where friendship crosses into emotional or physical infidelity — are potentially devastating to romantic partners and to friends.
They're also more common than people may think. A 2017 study by the American Psychological Association found that people who had an extramarital affair most often stepped out on a romantic partner with a close personal friend (53.5%) or neighbor, co-worker or long-term acquaintance (29.4%).
Sheri Stritof, co-author of "The Everything Great Marriage Book," wrote about unfaithful friendships for verywellmind.com, noting that "while some believe that an emotional affair is harmless given that there is no sexual relationship, most marriage and relationship experts view it as a form of cheating."
"Emotional affairs can also act as gateway affairs, eventually leading to emotional and sexual infidelity. For many, the most hurtful and painful consequence of a partner's emotional cheating is the sense of being deceived, betrayed and lied to," she wrote.
In an "Ask an Expert" news release from Utah State, Schramm notes warning signs of unfaithful friendships, including:
- Emotional intensity. Sharing intimate details with someone besides your partner, seeking reasons to text, seeking emotional support and putting that person's views above your partner's.
- Secrecy. If you need to hide texts and other contacts, including meetings, the relationship might be crossing boundaries.
- Physical affection. Friendly hugs are one thing, but prolonged physical contact or flirtatious touches could be warning signs the relationship is becoming too friendly.
- Spending lots of time together. That can lead to emotional and physical distance with your actual partner and strain the relationship.
- Comparisons. Comparing your partner to your friend, especially unfavorably, can indicate you're developing unfaithful feelings. "Your emotions can blind you, causing unwise comparisons that can erode satisfaction with your partner," according to Schramm.
Schramm warns that broken trust is challenging to put back together and stretches well beyond your relationship with your romantic partner, hurting extended family, children and even work. It can lead to anxiety and depression, not to mention the end of the friendship itself. Neither relationship may survive a tryst. And it's possible it could cost you your job if you and your unfaithful friend are co-workers.
Steering clear
Evolve Therapy offers this advice to those who aren't sure where the line is between being pals and being problematic. "Ultimately, the best way to determine whether a relationship crosses the line into emotional affair territory is to ask yourself how you feel. If you find yourself getting jealous or feeling like you are betraying your partner, then it's likely that you're involved in an emotional infidelity."
Schramm's advice to avoid unfaithful friendships?
- Set clear boundaries and honor them. You and your partner should agree on interactions with colleagues, gym friends, social media contacts and others.
- Stay connected to your partner. Communicate openly and prioritize emotional intimacy. Share feelings, social activities, work life and other interactions.
- Prioritize your relationships and spend quality time nurturing both emotional and physical connection to your partner.
- Involve your partner in social interactions with friends, which will be good for the two of you and make romantic attachment to friends less likely.
- Regularly assess your feelings and intentions toward friends. If you notice some romantic feelings, step back and focus instead on your primary relationship.
- Seek support. If you have trouble maintaining boundaries, consider seeking a therapist's support.
Where the grass is greenest
Schramm said people can't control what they see, but they can control what they seek. You can find someone attractive and not follow it, he said. If you see something tempting, remember what you already have and why it's so important, then choose to be loyal. Set up clear boundaries.
There's an old saying that says the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. The truth is, the grass is greener on the side of the fence you water the most, said Schramm, so invest the time and energy into your own relationships. "What you've taken years to develop can come falling down in a matter of a click or a text or a message or a meetup. It's just not worth it," he warned.
His advice? Seek support if you need it. Prioritize your relationship. Choose your love and love your choice. Adds Schramm, always invest your time and attention in those relationships that matter. It's being grateful for what you have instead of always wanting more and the happiest people are those who are. If your marriage is struggling, get some help. It takes work to make relationships work, he said.
The biggest gift you can give your partner is your attention — your all-in attention, said Schramm.
