SALT LAKE CITY — Most families largely underestimate how difficult remarriage can be on the children. They often have unrealistic expectations and don’t appreciate the complexity of the challenge.
Many think because they are madly in love, their families will merge together effortlessly and everyone will like each other.
It is never that simple when children are involved.
As a matter of fact, second marriages which involve children end in divorce 70 percent of the time, and difficulties with the children are often the cause.
If you are determined to make your stepfamily work, here are some suggestions that may increase your chances…
- Get some education about stepfamilies. Studies show 80 percent of couples entering a second marriage today do absolutely nothing to prepare themselves, according to remarriagesuccess.comAny family is hard work, but a stepfamily is twice as hard. Reading a book or getting help from a family counselor or coach can help you prepare for the challenges before they happen. Stepfamilies who seek out assistance are much more likely to make it.
- Insist on mutual respect for everyone. Not everyone has to like each other, but they do have to respect each other. If you are going to make your stepfamily work, children must respect the adults in the home, and the adults must respect the children and treat them with kindness.Clare Heicklen, a marriage and family therapist, says you can expect most children to go through stages of resenting, rejecting, ignoring and then finally accepting a stepparent. Acceptance will come eventually, if the stepparent consistently treats the child with respect.
Rule No. 1: Love is optional but respect is not.
- Don’t push or force children to have a relationship with a stepparent. You can’t rush relationships; you have to let them grow. If you try to force children to like their new stepparent, they will resist and the process will actually go slower.Let each child set the pace for their own relationships.
If they aren’t ready to accept the stepparent or siblings, there is nothing you can do about it. Give them time and validate their right to feel the way they feel. It takes time to build relationships of trust. In the meantime, focus on being trustworthy.
- Understand how children can undermine a marriage. Stepfamily researchers Kay Pasley and Marilyn Tallman found that children have tremendous power to instigate conflict in a stepfamily. If even one child is against the new relationship, he or she can cause serious problems, if not destroy it completely. See their article at stepfamilies.info.Many children have conflicts of guilt around accepting a stepparent. They may feel obligated to reject the stepparent as a sign of loyalty to their other natural parent. They may also feel the need to compete for their natural parent’s attention. They may not like seeing their parent and stepparent show affection for each other.
Stepfamily expert James Bray says even the stepfamilies that are successful are conflictual and difficult in the first two years, as all the parties struggle to adjust and find their footing.
Don’t panic if you experience some of these behaviors. Rejection and resentment are not a sign your stepfamily won’t work. These kinds of feelings and behaviors are a normal part of the process. Give it time and treat all family members with kindness and respect no matter how bad their behavior.
- Don’t change the rules right away. Nothing makes kids more resentful about a new stepparent than if he or she comes in and changing all the rules. Change must happen slowly and, if possible, keep things the same at first.Over time you can make new rules together as a family and give everyone a vote in what those rules should be.
Also, try to keep traditions and customs your children are used to. If your stepkids have different traditions, find a way to honor both of them.
- The natural parent should discipline the children when possible. When children break the agreed upon house rules, if at all possible, the natural parent should be the one to enforce the consequences. All the experts agree this works best.This will not be easy road. It will test your love and patience on a daily basis, but you can do it.
Expect to face children who sabotage the relationship, difficult ex-spouses and stepsiblings who don’t like each other — these are all par for the course, but committed couples can make it.
“Desire is the key to motivation, but it’s determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal – a commitment to excellence – that will enable you to attain the success you seek.” – Mario Andretti
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Kimberly Sayer Giles is the founder and president of LDS Life Coaching and www.claritypointcoaching.com and was named one of the top 20 Advice Gurus in the country by GMA. She is a popular speaker and life coach who resides in Bountiful, Utah.
